The Silence

It's summer time and every year since I started hanging out online, I've noticed that people tend to come and go more frequently. You can go days without hearing from an online friend and then find out they've been on vacation or had a week with their family. It's nice to be able to leave the "online world" and then come back. It alters your perspective and allows you to see your priorities better.

Bet you think that's where I've been? Why I haven't posted since July 1st? Maybe you thought I was still processing my emotions and dealing with the pain involved with forgiveness?

Actually, I've just felt for the past 15 days that my blog was not becoming what I'd wanted it to be. That I have not been conveying the seriousness of my situation, the reality that I'm living as clearly as I want to.

I want you to know that there is no room in my house you can walk through.
I want you to know that I scream at my children too much.
I want you to know how little control I have in my life.
I want you to know that everyday I wake up in pain and can't move.
I want you to know that my priorities are out of line and my goals have been placed on the back burner.
I want you to know how incredibly badly I want it to change.

I'm suffering from wanting my whole life to be in order overnight. I want to wake up in this perfectly organized (cute) house, with perfectly behaved children, weigh exactly 140lbs, have a perfect relationship with my husband (the kind that makes other people say "Aw...look at THEM!), and a strong relationship with God.

Have I mentioned I'm delusional sometimes? I'm never going to weigh 140lbs, I probably won't have a perfect husband, and I may get organized but it will never be perfect. And my relationship with God is strong enough to realize he did not make me perfect. My children will still be children, they will still make mistakes and need correction.

So where have I been? Contemplating how to continue this blog. Where to start. Do I focus on my weight? On my house? On my kids? On my relationship with God? On my marriage?

A friend of mine and I were talking last month about a book she was reading. She was telling me how much of a difference it was making in her life and how it was helping her build a better relationship with God. And I told her "I'm not in a place to do that kind of work, I don't have time right now to read that kind of book."

I want this relationship with God but I don't have time to work on it? I want God to do work in my life but I don't have time to seriously examine my personal relationship with him?

Dude...how fair is that? No wonder there's been a silence.

Pray that I figure out which way to go, that I find a way to "do it all" without burning myself out and giving up. I can't give up, my family is depending on the changes we need to make and my happiness is hanging in the balance here. Pray that I accept the things I can not change and learn to prioritize that things I can.

Forgiveness

Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.
--Colossians 3:13

Three and half years ago, my 2nd oldest little boy burned both of his hands. My husband and I had left our two boys with my best friend for over 6 years, C and went out to dinner for my birthday. The night ended with my 2.5 year old having 2nd degree burns. He spent two weeks in our Children's hospital and he has life long scaring. The story is a bit longer than that but you get the idea. It was traumatic for a child to experience and for a mother to live through.

She was my best friend and we sued her. Mostly, because I was angry and I wanted some kind of restitution for my son. I wanted admission of guilt, financial security for any future medical bills, and mostly I wanted an apology. Well, the thing is, no one tells you that the legal process is painful. That you don't just get a lawyer and the next day everything is taken care of easily. It took 18 months of waiting, paper signing and hand wringing before we were all done with court. My son received a settlement and he'll be getting it when he turns 18. It's not enough but I did not have it in me to take the case to trial, by the time we got to the settlement stage, I was worn very thin emotionally.

It's been over a year since the court case was settled. And since the accident happened I have carried an fierce anger inside of me. It's a "mama bear" feeling. I know in my heart it was an accident and I know the person who was caring for the boys at the time did not allow it to happen on purpose. But I have had a very hard time forgiving her.

My mother is a very forgiving person who looks for the best in people. My father and brother are bitter and unforgiving. I have seen first hand what a person full of hate looks like. I have often seen such hate and bitterness in myself. But I'm not that person. I am not a person who holds grudges. I don't have the energy these days to be angry. It's not worth it to me and it eats away at my insides.

Forgiving isn't always easy. I wish I had woke up one day in the hospital and thought "Well it was an accident, I can forgive her." But I couldn't. My baby was hurt, suffering and permanently altered. Seeing your two year old depressed because he can't feed himself or play. Having a doctor tell you that if the blood flow isn't restored, he'll lose a hand or fingers. Knowing that an infection could cause him to lose his hands. Or that scarring could make him immobile.

I'm sure that most mothers would say they would not be able to forgive immediately. I'm sure that some mothers would never be able to forgive. I'm sure that the anger would not get to some mothers like it has me. But it's been long enough for me and I have known for a long time that I needed to forgive her so I could move on.

The other night I was driving around the town C lives in and I drove by her house. Something told me I should stop. The voice in my head even said "If you don't you're a pussy..." I hate that word...I never use it, so I laughed at myself and I stopped.

C let me in (which I really was not sure she would) and our children played together. It is amazing to see kids who have known each other since birth reconnect and play as if there were not a huge gap of time apart in their lives. I told her about my anger and that I needed to talk to her so I could forgive.

I have forgiven her. My useless, unproductive, painful anger is gone. And it's replaced by a love for an old friend who I once lost. A friend I hope can forgive me for my ignorance. I don't know if C and I will be friends or if forgiving her is as far as it will go, time will tell.

It's not a popular thing, forgiveness, in fact, sometimes it's down right dangerous. My family is not all on the same page and they don't have to be, this was part of MY journey and God has a different plan for them.

Never does the human soul appear so strong as when it foregoes revenge, and dares forgive an injury.
--E. H. Chapin

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
--Mahatma Gandhi

Weighty Issues

I've wrote some about my disaster house and "dysfunctional" family, but I haven't yet touched upon my personal health.

I'm still in my twenties and I feel like I should still feel as invincible as I did in my teens. My father said once that he thinks having babies ages you ten years. Maybe not ten years? But having four kids has definitely put some miles on my body. Being overweight has too.

Since my youngest was born about five months ago, I've been having a lot of pain. Just calling it pain, is like calling the Empire State Building a large building. Because the reality is some days I don't get out of bed or I spend most of my time balled up on the couch. My daughter has climbed in my lap before and I've cried because it hurts so bad and I have to ask her to move. My sons have tickled me and my ribs feel like someone is hitting them with a hammer. My shoulders feel like someone is constantly pushing on them.

Now, I've had pain with pregnancy, depression and stress. In my experience, those are all valid, real and very different types of pain. But the pain I'm feeling now is different too. It's more of a burning pain. It's not in my muscles and I can't stretch to get rid of it. If I push myself too hard, I don't feel better, I end up paying for it the next day. There are certain spots on my body that hurt with the slightest touch.

I'm tired all the time too. Absolutely exhausted. I can sleep a regular night and wake up exhausted. I can sleep for 12+ hours and still be exhausted. I've always had a low energy level and very low stamina, but it's gotten worse. Being tired all time means that I'm not as good of a mother or housewife as I'd like to be. All of my many "problems" are interconnected.

For many reasons, I haven't gone to the doctor. I don't really want to be labeled with a diagnosis and I honestly thought for several months that it was related to pregnancy and would go away. I told myself that I'd wait till my baby was six months old to see a doctor. That time is closing in on me and I don't feel better, I think I feel worse. My mother was recently diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I didn't think much about it till we started comparing notes and she told me that it was genetic.

Wikipedia says that Fibromyalgia is "a disorder classified by the presence of chronic widespread pain and a heightened and painful response to gentle touch. Other core features of the disorder include debilitating fatigue, sleep disturbance, and joint stiffness. In addition, persons affected by the disorder frequently experience a range of other symptoms that involve multiple body systems, including difficulty with swallowing, functional bowel and bladder abnormalities, difficulty breathing, diffuse sensations of numbness and tingling, abnormal motor activity, and cognitive dysfunction. An increased prevalence of affective and anxiety-related symptoms is also well known."

I have several of the "in addition" symptoms. And many of these symptoms can be related to other things but what's important for me, is that it's not normal to be in pain constantly. It's not normal to have to tell my husband and children they can't hug me so tight or to sleep most of the day when I should be able to play with my kids.

In combination with all the fatigue and pain, I'm overweight, no wait...I'm MORBIDLY OBESE. My BMI is currently 41.2. That alone is enough to make you tired and feeling pain. Now, I don't exactly like the BMI thing. I don't think it's accurate because it doesn't take body muscle into consideration. After my daughter was born, I went to one of those weight loss clinics and they weighed me on a scale that weighed your muscle mass. It said my bones and muscle alone weighed 154lbs. Which is interesting because for a healthy woman my age, my body fat should be between 21-32%, on TOP of muscle and bone weight. That's not an excuse to be 240lbs though. I mean I'm only 5'4". I weighed about 170 before I had my first child and I felt comfortable. I got down to that weight after my second child was born and I felt comfortable in a size 12/14.

I'd love to be a size 4. But I'm never going to be a size 4. God did not create me to be so tiny. I don't spend my days crying over it but I would at least like to be healthy to take care of the children I've been blessed with. I'd at least like to lose some weight to see if it helps with the pain *before I get slapped with a lifelong diagnosis.*

I have big "diet" plans and we're currently working towards those goals. My husband is not on board but I am praying that he will see a difference in me and will be more supportive.

And least you think I'm neglecting my health, I'm planning on going to the doctor in July and I called yesterday to get my PCP changed. I was just really hoping I'd feel better all on my own...

Happy 8th Birthday

I was 18 when this child was born. I myself defiant and determined to prove the world wrong. What I know now is that you really are completely unprepared at 18 to have a baby. What I know now is that you lose friends, miss out on opportunities, and even if it goes well, you wish you had waited. For several years I defended "teen" mothers, but now I feel sorry for them. I'm sure there's several of my friends who also had babies young who would disagree. But I honestly think one of the problems I have most with my son is that I was not prepared for him.

I was prepared for a 100% normal child. And instead I got a child with special needs and then three of his siblings. Don't get me wrong, three out of four of my children were planned (not well planned just planned) and I love them all. But I think if I had waited until my oldest was three? I wouldn't have had my second child so soon. Because most of his issues didn't start to show till after 17 months and I was already pregnant at that point.

He may not be 100% normal. I may not be the best YOUNG MOTHER but I do love him. Some days I wish loving him were enough. I wish loving him could make up for my lack of patience and my personal temper. I wish I could be one of those moms who only has one child, seems full of patience, is organized, offers a structured environment and can afford all of the treatments he needs. But I'm really trying not to focus on the mom I'm not. Instead, I'd like to focus on the mom I am and work from there.

I am a mom who loves her son. I am a mom who wants her child to become all he can be. I am a mom who is trying instead of giving up. I am struggling to give him the environment he needs. I am trying to get him more treatments. I am trying to find patience and give the rest to God. And maybe, I am growing up as he grows?

We had his birthday party on Saturday at the park. Outside is always best for him, he really is all boy, plenty of room to roam and run. We had hamburgers, hot dogs, chips, s'mores, and cake at his request. We colored transformer coloring pages and played with sidewalk chalk. We sang happy birthday and thanked God that he gave us the opportunity to love such an extraordinary boy. And then, it rained. The wind picked up and brought us a fast, sporatic, and drenching rain. It was so spontanious that the bugs were scared into running under the shelter house where my children decided a mass murder was nessasary...

All birthdays should be this good.

The Aftermath of a Bad Day

It's almost 1pm and I've done nothing with the day so far. The hospital called me at 8:50am wanting to know how they could help. They want me to take him to the therapist they suggested a few weeks ago and get him on the antidepressant. I don't know why but every fiber of my being says "NO" to the antidepressant. I told the doctor who prescribed it about ONE incidence and she slapped another diagnosis on him and a med.

I just don't think that from one incident you can claim someone has clinical depression. Maybe I'm wrong and making a poor decision for my son. But I have never liked this doctor's attitude. All she really does is handle his medicine and every two months we sit and talk about how it's working and then she sends me home with a prescription.

He needs a second opinion because I need someone to listen better. I need someone who cares instead of sitting there with a bored look on her face. I need someone who sees us as a family in crisis instead of "just another kid with Autism and ADHD." I hesitate to take her referral too because I doubt her judgment and motivation at this point.

Today, I'm tired. Mentally I'm exhausted. My body hurts. My shoulders feel like someone is pushed down on me (I like to think it's the weight of my world...). I am supposed to be working on getting this birthday party together for tomorrow. A party I don't want to have, for a kid who doesn't seem to care about anything and doesn't behave well enough to make it seem worthwhile.

Today is a different day. Mr. Autism is not as agitated. But he is intent on driving his siblings crazy. I have not yelled but I seriously feel like I'm losing or have already lost the battle for control with him.

How do you control your other children when they can clearly see that you have one who is "wild" in every sense of the word?

Why can't one thing work for all kids? And where did the user manual for this model of boy go?

*UPDATE*

The hospital just called again. They want me to put him on the Celexa. She thinks his behavior is related to his anxiety. We'll see I guess.

I thought I hit post before nap time but I didn't...

Lack of Discipline

I am not doing very well today. I feel like I'm kind of falling apart at the seams. See, I've been working extremely hard on my house and been very dedicated to treating my family better. And it's about the second week and it just seems like I have no control over anything.

My kids? Let's be honest here okay? They're beautiful, smart, and really have the ability to be great kids to want to be around. But they also can be manipulative, bratty, whiny, lazy and completely energy sucking. Some of it's "normal" kid stuff, some of it's because I haven't established a good parent/child relationship with respect and some of it's because my oldest son has Autism and ADHD.

My son, has given my new found (created, forced) patience a run for the money, today. Recently, I have resolved to be very careful with the words and tone I use with him. It's hard for me to control my anger, I grew up in a household where yelling and berating was commonplace. I'm not saying I think it's okay to belittle your child and yell constantly, just that I grew up with that. It's a hard cycle to break. With God's help, I know I can.

The thing is, I don't know how to earn my son's respect. I don't know that I ever had it, but I'm even more lost about how to create it. Obviously, he deserves my respect and I've really been trying to give it to him. But He tried my patience today. He pushed, pushed and pushed all my buttons today.

It kind of went like this...My 6 year old boy and 2 year old girl spent Wednesday night with my mom and my oldest and I had some much needed time together. Once my baby was sleeping, we made brownies and had some good heart to heart talking. I explained to him that I wanted to try a Gluten and Casein free diet and see if that helped him and I feel better, act better and live better. He really seemed to understand and be open to the idea of eating new foods, which is a huge step for him. We passed out in my bed together and got up early this morning. We worked on the house a bit, went and picked up free apples and potatoes, and then went to Walmart. He normally has a hard time in stores. He can't stand still, he twirls, he stands too close to people, he asks for everything, he runs in the store, he does not stay with me and he does not listen to me at all.

So it was awesome that he did well. I thought "Wow, we're really making progress on the house and with these discipline issues with this kiddo." And I felt good about what God has been doing in our lives. We went to lunch with my mom and all of my kids. It was going pretty well till my oldest started moving the table around. We kept asking "Who is doing that!??" And he'd say "I don't know, it was not me." In this voice that made us question if it really was him or not. Finally we figured out it was him moving the table. But his defiance was really annoying. After lunch I took all the kids to the thrift store where the older boys (almost 8 and 6) started pushing, taunting, running, back talking and touching everything in sight. Looking back? I probably should have just backed them all up and left right then. I probably should have made them all take naps. Instead? I drug them through the thrift store and then we went to the hobby store. After they had "promised" to behave in the hobby store, we stopped there to look for a few things. We wandered around for a bit and they started acting the same way in the hobby store as they did at the thrift store. I told them they'd lost their computer and TV time. Then I told my oldest he'd lost his toys. Every threat I said, he'd reply with "I don't care" or "Whatever."

Once while I was looking at something, he helped my 2 year old get out of the cart. Then the three of them were running in the fabric. I didn't scream, but I wanted to. I finally got my daughter back into the cart and we kept walking. My oldest started talking my 6 year old into misbehaving worse. "Hey if you don't do what mom says I'll let you play with my transformer..."

And the next thing I knew the 6 year old was acting as bad as the 8 year old. I mean really cruel things like knocking things out of the cart, running up and down the aisles and in general running amuck. Finally, I told my oldest that I was going to cancel his birthday on Saturday.

Maybe it was because I don't really want to have a birthday party for him. Maybe it was because I was hot and overwhelmed with misbehaving children. Maybe it was because nothing I was saying seemed to get through to him.

I'm not yelling
I'm not cussing
I'm not belittling or berating
I'm not spanking

And yet? Nothing seems to work. I've read probably twenty parenting books and a ton of books on Autism and ADHD and I still don't know how to discipline this child. Nothing seems to work. He does not seem to understand right and wrong. He doesn't care that he disappoints me and honestly, I think he gets a rise out of making me want to pull my hair out.

The differences in today from other days when he's been hard to deal with is that today he tried to get my other kids to work against me. And he ran around the house frantically when I tried to explain to him how upset I was. He ended up saying "I'm leaving!" And walked to the front door where he curled up into the fetal position (he says he thought I was going to hit him) and I sat down and wrapped my arms around him. I am trying to love him. I am trying to understand where he's coming from. I don't want our home to be full of angry and defiance. I'd like it to function peacefully. I'd like for us to be able to put more energy into serving the Lord and less energy into trying not to kill each other.

I held him for almost forty minutes, during which he kicked me and pushed at me. I talked to him and explained over and over what he did wrong. I tried to ask him why he acts the way he does and he couldn't answer me. He does things without any remorse or reason. He acts like he thinks he can get away with whatever he wants and there should be no consequence. While we sat there at the door he was unresponsive, he refused to speak. I ended up telling him to go sit on the couch while I cooked dinner.

I called a center here who deals with Autism and neurological disorders. I called the hospital that handles his case and left a message for his doctor. And I called a place that offers programs to prevent child abuse.

I want him. I want to know how you make a child care when he doesn't want to. I want to know how you can parent a child who doesn't understand consequences and I want to know why his doctors have no answers for me.

We prayed before the kids went to sleep and I know tomorrow will be different.

Maybe he's acting up because school is out, I'm changing things in our house and I'm trying not to yell. Maybe all these changes are making his behavior worse? I don't know but I'd sure like someone to have an answer for us because I'm all taped out.

Wordless Wednesday-Progress