The Silence

It's summer time and every year since I started hanging out online, I've noticed that people tend to come and go more frequently. You can go days without hearing from an online friend and then find out they've been on vacation or had a week with their family. It's nice to be able to leave the "online world" and then come back. It alters your perspective and allows you to see your priorities better.

Bet you think that's where I've been? Why I haven't posted since July 1st? Maybe you thought I was still processing my emotions and dealing with the pain involved with forgiveness?

Actually, I've just felt for the past 15 days that my blog was not becoming what I'd wanted it to be. That I have not been conveying the seriousness of my situation, the reality that I'm living as clearly as I want to.

I want you to know that there is no room in my house you can walk through.
I want you to know that I scream at my children too much.
I want you to know how little control I have in my life.
I want you to know that everyday I wake up in pain and can't move.
I want you to know that my priorities are out of line and my goals have been placed on the back burner.
I want you to know how incredibly badly I want it to change.

I'm suffering from wanting my whole life to be in order overnight. I want to wake up in this perfectly organized (cute) house, with perfectly behaved children, weigh exactly 140lbs, have a perfect relationship with my husband (the kind that makes other people say "Aw...look at THEM!), and a strong relationship with God.

Have I mentioned I'm delusional sometimes? I'm never going to weigh 140lbs, I probably won't have a perfect husband, and I may get organized but it will never be perfect. And my relationship with God is strong enough to realize he did not make me perfect. My children will still be children, they will still make mistakes and need correction.

So where have I been? Contemplating how to continue this blog. Where to start. Do I focus on my weight? On my house? On my kids? On my relationship with God? On my marriage?

A friend of mine and I were talking last month about a book she was reading. She was telling me how much of a difference it was making in her life and how it was helping her build a better relationship with God. And I told her "I'm not in a place to do that kind of work, I don't have time right now to read that kind of book."

I want this relationship with God but I don't have time to work on it? I want God to do work in my life but I don't have time to seriously examine my personal relationship with him?

Dude...how fair is that? No wonder there's been a silence.

Pray that I figure out which way to go, that I find a way to "do it all" without burning myself out and giving up. I can't give up, my family is depending on the changes we need to make and my happiness is hanging in the balance here. Pray that I accept the things I can not change and learn to prioritize that things I can.

Forgiveness

Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.
--Colossians 3:13

Three and half years ago, my 2nd oldest little boy burned both of his hands. My husband and I had left our two boys with my best friend for over 6 years, C and went out to dinner for my birthday. The night ended with my 2.5 year old having 2nd degree burns. He spent two weeks in our Children's hospital and he has life long scaring. The story is a bit longer than that but you get the idea. It was traumatic for a child to experience and for a mother to live through.

She was my best friend and we sued her. Mostly, because I was angry and I wanted some kind of restitution for my son. I wanted admission of guilt, financial security for any future medical bills, and mostly I wanted an apology. Well, the thing is, no one tells you that the legal process is painful. That you don't just get a lawyer and the next day everything is taken care of easily. It took 18 months of waiting, paper signing and hand wringing before we were all done with court. My son received a settlement and he'll be getting it when he turns 18. It's not enough but I did not have it in me to take the case to trial, by the time we got to the settlement stage, I was worn very thin emotionally.

It's been over a year since the court case was settled. And since the accident happened I have carried an fierce anger inside of me. It's a "mama bear" feeling. I know in my heart it was an accident and I know the person who was caring for the boys at the time did not allow it to happen on purpose. But I have had a very hard time forgiving her.

My mother is a very forgiving person who looks for the best in people. My father and brother are bitter and unforgiving. I have seen first hand what a person full of hate looks like. I have often seen such hate and bitterness in myself. But I'm not that person. I am not a person who holds grudges. I don't have the energy these days to be angry. It's not worth it to me and it eats away at my insides.

Forgiving isn't always easy. I wish I had woke up one day in the hospital and thought "Well it was an accident, I can forgive her." But I couldn't. My baby was hurt, suffering and permanently altered. Seeing your two year old depressed because he can't feed himself or play. Having a doctor tell you that if the blood flow isn't restored, he'll lose a hand or fingers. Knowing that an infection could cause him to lose his hands. Or that scarring could make him immobile.

I'm sure that most mothers would say they would not be able to forgive immediately. I'm sure that some mothers would never be able to forgive. I'm sure that the anger would not get to some mothers like it has me. But it's been long enough for me and I have known for a long time that I needed to forgive her so I could move on.

The other night I was driving around the town C lives in and I drove by her house. Something told me I should stop. The voice in my head even said "If you don't you're a pussy..." I hate that word...I never use it, so I laughed at myself and I stopped.

C let me in (which I really was not sure she would) and our children played together. It is amazing to see kids who have known each other since birth reconnect and play as if there were not a huge gap of time apart in their lives. I told her about my anger and that I needed to talk to her so I could forgive.

I have forgiven her. My useless, unproductive, painful anger is gone. And it's replaced by a love for an old friend who I once lost. A friend I hope can forgive me for my ignorance. I don't know if C and I will be friends or if forgiving her is as far as it will go, time will tell.

It's not a popular thing, forgiveness, in fact, sometimes it's down right dangerous. My family is not all on the same page and they don't have to be, this was part of MY journey and God has a different plan for them.

Never does the human soul appear so strong as when it foregoes revenge, and dares forgive an injury.
--E. H. Chapin

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
--Mahatma Gandhi