The Silence

It's summer time and every year since I started hanging out online, I've noticed that people tend to come and go more frequently. You can go days without hearing from an online friend and then find out they've been on vacation or had a week with their family. It's nice to be able to leave the "online world" and then come back. It alters your perspective and allows you to see your priorities better.

Bet you think that's where I've been? Why I haven't posted since July 1st? Maybe you thought I was still processing my emotions and dealing with the pain involved with forgiveness?

Actually, I've just felt for the past 15 days that my blog was not becoming what I'd wanted it to be. That I have not been conveying the seriousness of my situation, the reality that I'm living as clearly as I want to.

I want you to know that there is no room in my house you can walk through.
I want you to know that I scream at my children too much.
I want you to know how little control I have in my life.
I want you to know that everyday I wake up in pain and can't move.
I want you to know that my priorities are out of line and my goals have been placed on the back burner.
I want you to know how incredibly badly I want it to change.

I'm suffering from wanting my whole life to be in order overnight. I want to wake up in this perfectly organized (cute) house, with perfectly behaved children, weigh exactly 140lbs, have a perfect relationship with my husband (the kind that makes other people say "Aw...look at THEM!), and a strong relationship with God.

Have I mentioned I'm delusional sometimes? I'm never going to weigh 140lbs, I probably won't have a perfect husband, and I may get organized but it will never be perfect. And my relationship with God is strong enough to realize he did not make me perfect. My children will still be children, they will still make mistakes and need correction.

So where have I been? Contemplating how to continue this blog. Where to start. Do I focus on my weight? On my house? On my kids? On my relationship with God? On my marriage?

A friend of mine and I were talking last month about a book she was reading. She was telling me how much of a difference it was making in her life and how it was helping her build a better relationship with God. And I told her "I'm not in a place to do that kind of work, I don't have time right now to read that kind of book."

I want this relationship with God but I don't have time to work on it? I want God to do work in my life but I don't have time to seriously examine my personal relationship with him?

Dude...how fair is that? No wonder there's been a silence.

Pray that I figure out which way to go, that I find a way to "do it all" without burning myself out and giving up. I can't give up, my family is depending on the changes we need to make and my happiness is hanging in the balance here. Pray that I accept the things I can not change and learn to prioritize that things I can.