"How Did You Get Here?" Round Two...

I think it's important to note that I've spent a fair amount of time thinking about how I got here. Because I know that I don't ever want to be here again. I don't want to repeat my mistakes. This horrible "patch" in my life has been over two and half years long now. Given my age? That's a huge chunk of my life, in my opinion. What's worse? It's a huge chunk in the lives of my children. It's my daughter's whole life. I don't want her to remember life like this. This unorganized, unhappy, angry all the time chaos that effects every aspect of our lives.

So I found out I was pregnant when my daughter was 17 months old. My first three children were planned and I here I was with an unexpected pregnancy. I had wanted a fourth baby but not right at that moment, see I already knew I did not have control of my house and my kids. I already knew I was not the parent, wife and house keeper I wanted and needed to be.

I was scared to death to be pregnant. Financially, having another baby was disastrous and the idea of trying to take care of four children was completely overwhelming. My family was very upset with us for being uncareful about preventing pregnancy, but in general they were more supportive than my husband. He actually wanted me to have an abortion and was furious that I wouldn't even consider it. I didn't want to be pregnant or to have another baby but I was not about to kill a child that God had created for us. I ended up quitting my job at the hotel because I was so tired I was falling asleep at work and when my children needed me. I quickly started becoming depressed from the stress of being pregnant and my husband's opinion of the pregnancy.

After looking at my options, I found a new midwife and by the time I saw her, I was definitely depressed. I told her during the first appointment about how I did not plan this baby and that I was scared. I did not want to take medicine and I did not want to be depressed. She prescribed Lexapro and told me it was safe for my baby. I was disparate for something to help me but at the same time, my baby's health was the most important thing to me. After some internet searching and talking to some people who had taken Lexapro during pregnancy, I found out that there were studies that said if the pregnant mother took Lexapro after 20 weeks there was an increased risk of heart problems in the baby. It's the kind of drug that you must weigh out the benefits and risks to take. It's dangerous to a baby for it's mother to be severely depressed.

I took Lexapro till my 18th week of pregnancy. I felt better and I felt like I'd gotten over the "hump" of unhappiness. I knew it could be temporary and I knew it wouldn't be easy to try and deal with my emotions without medicine, but I could not take the medicine without worrying about my baby. Things were okay. They were as good as could be expected given the situation. My life had not gotten better during that time but it had not gotten worse.

My pregnancy progressed pretty normally and our little boy was born January 2009 in the hospital. His birth was uneventful and quick. I lay there in shock that it happened so fast. That I had gone from "unwanted pregnancy" to "mother of four" in less than two hours. He was and is a beautiful baby and I fell in love with him immediately (unlike the feelings I had with my daughter). He's five months old now and I do not have Postpartum depression. Actually, I have something else entirely.

Angry. I've been angry with myself since my son was born. Angry that my house is in the condition it's in. Angry that my children do not behave as nicely as I would like. Angry that my husband and I enjoy each other's company but do not know what each other's likes and dislikes. Angry that I'd shut God out of my life for so long.

Maybe that was this baby's purpose? Maybe experiencing the miracle of his birth, knowing that I had not been the one to decide we needed an extra family member, that God had felt we needed a fourth child? I don't know honestly, but I do know that I felt angry with myself that I had not only denied my children a relationship with God, but I had turned my back on the Lord when I needed him most.

We went to church on Easter. At this point, I'd been reading my little studen Bible for several weeks. And I really felt like God was telling me I needed to find a church where my husband (the non-believer), my children and I would be welcomed and feel comfortable. The church we attended on Easter sunday was not the church for us. It seemed through several signs that God had pointed us to a 2nd nondenominational church which we attended for several weeks after wards.

The church family there is awesome and my husband even likes the Pastor. Everything is perfect about that church except for one thing, they speak in tongues. Now, the Bible talks about speaking tongues and I believe fully in the Holy Spirit and spirtual gifts. However, I went to a Baptist church as a teenager and I have had no experience with tongues. Their practice of this gift makes me feel uncomfortable and confused. I have prayed for many weeks to find an answer to my questions about it and I really feel like God may be telling me that I should look at other churchs. I still don't know honestly, but this coming Sunday we're going to visit a Baptist church and see how that works for us.

And that is basically the story of how we got here...
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