Happy 8th Birthday

I was 18 when this child was born. I myself defiant and determined to prove the world wrong. What I know now is that you really are completely unprepared at 18 to have a baby. What I know now is that you lose friends, miss out on opportunities, and even if it goes well, you wish you had waited. For several years I defended "teen" mothers, but now I feel sorry for them. I'm sure there's several of my friends who also had babies young who would disagree. But I honestly think one of the problems I have most with my son is that I was not prepared for him.

I was prepared for a 100% normal child. And instead I got a child with special needs and then three of his siblings. Don't get me wrong, three out of four of my children were planned (not well planned just planned) and I love them all. But I think if I had waited until my oldest was three? I wouldn't have had my second child so soon. Because most of his issues didn't start to show till after 17 months and I was already pregnant at that point.

He may not be 100% normal. I may not be the best YOUNG MOTHER but I do love him. Some days I wish loving him were enough. I wish loving him could make up for my lack of patience and my personal temper. I wish I could be one of those moms who only has one child, seems full of patience, is organized, offers a structured environment and can afford all of the treatments he needs. But I'm really trying not to focus on the mom I'm not. Instead, I'd like to focus on the mom I am and work from there.

I am a mom who loves her son. I am a mom who wants her child to become all he can be. I am a mom who is trying instead of giving up. I am struggling to give him the environment he needs. I am trying to get him more treatments. I am trying to find patience and give the rest to God. And maybe, I am growing up as he grows?

We had his birthday party on Saturday at the park. Outside is always best for him, he really is all boy, plenty of room to roam and run. We had hamburgers, hot dogs, chips, s'mores, and cake at his request. We colored transformer coloring pages and played with sidewalk chalk. We sang happy birthday and thanked God that he gave us the opportunity to love such an extraordinary boy. And then, it rained. The wind picked up and brought us a fast, sporatic, and drenching rain. It was so spontanious that the bugs were scared into running under the shelter house where my children decided a mass murder was nessasary...

All birthdays should be this good.