Weighty Issues

I've wrote some about my disaster house and "dysfunctional" family, but I haven't yet touched upon my personal health.

I'm still in my twenties and I feel like I should still feel as invincible as I did in my teens. My father said once that he thinks having babies ages you ten years. Maybe not ten years? But having four kids has definitely put some miles on my body. Being overweight has too.

Since my youngest was born about five months ago, I've been having a lot of pain. Just calling it pain, is like calling the Empire State Building a large building. Because the reality is some days I don't get out of bed or I spend most of my time balled up on the couch. My daughter has climbed in my lap before and I've cried because it hurts so bad and I have to ask her to move. My sons have tickled me and my ribs feel like someone is hitting them with a hammer. My shoulders feel like someone is constantly pushing on them.

Now, I've had pain with pregnancy, depression and stress. In my experience, those are all valid, real and very different types of pain. But the pain I'm feeling now is different too. It's more of a burning pain. It's not in my muscles and I can't stretch to get rid of it. If I push myself too hard, I don't feel better, I end up paying for it the next day. There are certain spots on my body that hurt with the slightest touch.

I'm tired all the time too. Absolutely exhausted. I can sleep a regular night and wake up exhausted. I can sleep for 12+ hours and still be exhausted. I've always had a low energy level and very low stamina, but it's gotten worse. Being tired all time means that I'm not as good of a mother or housewife as I'd like to be. All of my many "problems" are interconnected.

For many reasons, I haven't gone to the doctor. I don't really want to be labeled with a diagnosis and I honestly thought for several months that it was related to pregnancy and would go away. I told myself that I'd wait till my baby was six months old to see a doctor. That time is closing in on me and I don't feel better, I think I feel worse. My mother was recently diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I didn't think much about it till we started comparing notes and she told me that it was genetic.

Wikipedia says that Fibromyalgia is "a disorder classified by the presence of chronic widespread pain and a heightened and painful response to gentle touch. Other core features of the disorder include debilitating fatigue, sleep disturbance, and joint stiffness. In addition, persons affected by the disorder frequently experience a range of other symptoms that involve multiple body systems, including difficulty with swallowing, functional bowel and bladder abnormalities, difficulty breathing, diffuse sensations of numbness and tingling, abnormal motor activity, and cognitive dysfunction. An increased prevalence of affective and anxiety-related symptoms is also well known."

I have several of the "in addition" symptoms. And many of these symptoms can be related to other things but what's important for me, is that it's not normal to be in pain constantly. It's not normal to have to tell my husband and children they can't hug me so tight or to sleep most of the day when I should be able to play with my kids.

In combination with all the fatigue and pain, I'm overweight, no wait...I'm MORBIDLY OBESE. My BMI is currently 41.2. That alone is enough to make you tired and feeling pain. Now, I don't exactly like the BMI thing. I don't think it's accurate because it doesn't take body muscle into consideration. After my daughter was born, I went to one of those weight loss clinics and they weighed me on a scale that weighed your muscle mass. It said my bones and muscle alone weighed 154lbs. Which is interesting because for a healthy woman my age, my body fat should be between 21-32%, on TOP of muscle and bone weight. That's not an excuse to be 240lbs though. I mean I'm only 5'4". I weighed about 170 before I had my first child and I felt comfortable. I got down to that weight after my second child was born and I felt comfortable in a size 12/14.

I'd love to be a size 4. But I'm never going to be a size 4. God did not create me to be so tiny. I don't spend my days crying over it but I would at least like to be healthy to take care of the children I've been blessed with. I'd at least like to lose some weight to see if it helps with the pain *before I get slapped with a lifelong diagnosis.*

I have big "diet" plans and we're currently working towards those goals. My husband is not on board but I am praying that he will see a difference in me and will be more supportive.

And least you think I'm neglecting my health, I'm planning on going to the doctor in July and I called yesterday to get my PCP changed. I was just really hoping I'd feel better all on my own...