Lack of Discipline

I am not doing very well today. I feel like I'm kind of falling apart at the seams. See, I've been working extremely hard on my house and been very dedicated to treating my family better. And it's about the second week and it just seems like I have no control over anything.

My kids? Let's be honest here okay? They're beautiful, smart, and really have the ability to be great kids to want to be around. But they also can be manipulative, bratty, whiny, lazy and completely energy sucking. Some of it's "normal" kid stuff, some of it's because I haven't established a good parent/child relationship with respect and some of it's because my oldest son has Autism and ADHD.

My son, has given my new found (created, forced) patience a run for the money, today. Recently, I have resolved to be very careful with the words and tone I use with him. It's hard for me to control my anger, I grew up in a household where yelling and berating was commonplace. I'm not saying I think it's okay to belittle your child and yell constantly, just that I grew up with that. It's a hard cycle to break. With God's help, I know I can.

The thing is, I don't know how to earn my son's respect. I don't know that I ever had it, but I'm even more lost about how to create it. Obviously, he deserves my respect and I've really been trying to give it to him. But He tried my patience today. He pushed, pushed and pushed all my buttons today.

It kind of went like this...My 6 year old boy and 2 year old girl spent Wednesday night with my mom and my oldest and I had some much needed time together. Once my baby was sleeping, we made brownies and had some good heart to heart talking. I explained to him that I wanted to try a Gluten and Casein free diet and see if that helped him and I feel better, act better and live better. He really seemed to understand and be open to the idea of eating new foods, which is a huge step for him. We passed out in my bed together and got up early this morning. We worked on the house a bit, went and picked up free apples and potatoes, and then went to Walmart. He normally has a hard time in stores. He can't stand still, he twirls, he stands too close to people, he asks for everything, he runs in the store, he does not stay with me and he does not listen to me at all.

So it was awesome that he did well. I thought "Wow, we're really making progress on the house and with these discipline issues with this kiddo." And I felt good about what God has been doing in our lives. We went to lunch with my mom and all of my kids. It was going pretty well till my oldest started moving the table around. We kept asking "Who is doing that!??" And he'd say "I don't know, it was not me." In this voice that made us question if it really was him or not. Finally we figured out it was him moving the table. But his defiance was really annoying. After lunch I took all the kids to the thrift store where the older boys (almost 8 and 6) started pushing, taunting, running, back talking and touching everything in sight. Looking back? I probably should have just backed them all up and left right then. I probably should have made them all take naps. Instead? I drug them through the thrift store and then we went to the hobby store. After they had "promised" to behave in the hobby store, we stopped there to look for a few things. We wandered around for a bit and they started acting the same way in the hobby store as they did at the thrift store. I told them they'd lost their computer and TV time. Then I told my oldest he'd lost his toys. Every threat I said, he'd reply with "I don't care" or "Whatever."

Once while I was looking at something, he helped my 2 year old get out of the cart. Then the three of them were running in the fabric. I didn't scream, but I wanted to. I finally got my daughter back into the cart and we kept walking. My oldest started talking my 6 year old into misbehaving worse. "Hey if you don't do what mom says I'll let you play with my transformer..."

And the next thing I knew the 6 year old was acting as bad as the 8 year old. I mean really cruel things like knocking things out of the cart, running up and down the aisles and in general running amuck. Finally, I told my oldest that I was going to cancel his birthday on Saturday.

Maybe it was because I don't really want to have a birthday party for him. Maybe it was because I was hot and overwhelmed with misbehaving children. Maybe it was because nothing I was saying seemed to get through to him.

I'm not yelling
I'm not cussing
I'm not belittling or berating
I'm not spanking

And yet? Nothing seems to work. I've read probably twenty parenting books and a ton of books on Autism and ADHD and I still don't know how to discipline this child. Nothing seems to work. He does not seem to understand right and wrong. He doesn't care that he disappoints me and honestly, I think he gets a rise out of making me want to pull my hair out.

The differences in today from other days when he's been hard to deal with is that today he tried to get my other kids to work against me. And he ran around the house frantically when I tried to explain to him how upset I was. He ended up saying "I'm leaving!" And walked to the front door where he curled up into the fetal position (he says he thought I was going to hit him) and I sat down and wrapped my arms around him. I am trying to love him. I am trying to understand where he's coming from. I don't want our home to be full of angry and defiance. I'd like it to function peacefully. I'd like for us to be able to put more energy into serving the Lord and less energy into trying not to kill each other.

I held him for almost forty minutes, during which he kicked me and pushed at me. I talked to him and explained over and over what he did wrong. I tried to ask him why he acts the way he does and he couldn't answer me. He does things without any remorse or reason. He acts like he thinks he can get away with whatever he wants and there should be no consequence. While we sat there at the door he was unresponsive, he refused to speak. I ended up telling him to go sit on the couch while I cooked dinner.

I called a center here who deals with Autism and neurological disorders. I called the hospital that handles his case and left a message for his doctor. And I called a place that offers programs to prevent child abuse.

I want him. I want to know how you make a child care when he doesn't want to. I want to know how you can parent a child who doesn't understand consequences and I want to know why his doctors have no answers for me.

We prayed before the kids went to sleep and I know tomorrow will be different.

Maybe he's acting up because school is out, I'm changing things in our house and I'm trying not to yell. Maybe all these changes are making his behavior worse? I don't know but I'd sure like someone to have an answer for us because I'm all taped out.